excitement trip.....
Hello, Happy New Year!!!
Well, normally it is here that I would apologise for this being a long email, because I know it will be, but as I am trying not to, then sod it- this is going to be long, because I haven’t shared anything on the blog for what feels like ages and I feel excited and I have lots of things I want to share with you…..
For the first time in ages, I am happy. This is such an easy thing to say, but on so many occasions recently I have thought to myself that actually I am happy…and often this is followed by one of those, ahh if I say that I will somehow curse myself and something shit will happen, but in actual fact, life isn’t perfect, but I feel more able to deal with, take the shit with the good stuff- I feel more alive than I have done over the past four or five years…. Probably due to a shitty relationship ridden with guilt, but I feel empowered by the relationships I have, the positive, honest (and more often than not gutsy and heartfelt), genuine things that are given and shared in and through those relationships. I don’t want to bang on about it as such, especially because I do not in any way want to exclude everyone who is on the mentoring scheme now who I do not know so well yet, but the past year and the relationships that have started to grow have played a big part in that.
I keep finding books that I want to read, people mention things – websites, people and artists etc that get me on this excitement trip, in which I feel like suddenly I am being given this outlet to live my life in a way that is so much more expansive than I have ever thought it to be. I just started reading this book about godless morality. I saw a guy reading it in the train a while ago on my way home from London and asked for it for Christmas. I guess because I grew up going to church and that defined my ‘morals’, the way I lived my life and saw it, and now I am slowly defining my own life. That sounds so crap….not how I want it to, but, yes, I am beginning to define my own life I guess. I keep having this fractured conversation with people about it…in random conversations that hold so much meaning and insight for me, even if the other person doesn’t realise it.
Something that came out of the past year was about my not having anything to say…or at least feeling that, (yes, I keep coming back to this, I know, but it’s like the plug that was pulled out and now things are falling out from it, trickling into bigger pools and that feels really exciting… and although it sounds so grand – what do I believe and why the hell do I believe it…most of the time because I have been told that’s how it is, or how it should be and now I am waking up I am more able to think these things through for myself. I realise that maybe this all sounds so abstract, but I think it is something that will become more clear, hopefully, and articulate itself better over time.
Why is it that I get into this kind of excitement trip late at night, when there is so much I want to get out, but there’s always that consciousness of needing to also get some sleep at some point, so I have time for it again tomorrow? Anyway, I feel excited, and I guess more so because I am starting the year feeling alive and excited.
I might actually break this up into more than one post, otherwise it will end up consuming the entire bloody page of the blog…so I will post the rest of my wandering thoughts as comment to this I think.
Well, normally it is here that I would apologise for this being a long email, because I know it will be, but as I am trying not to, then sod it- this is going to be long, because I haven’t shared anything on the blog for what feels like ages and I feel excited and I have lots of things I want to share with you…..
For the first time in ages, I am happy. This is such an easy thing to say, but on so many occasions recently I have thought to myself that actually I am happy…and often this is followed by one of those, ahh if I say that I will somehow curse myself and something shit will happen, but in actual fact, life isn’t perfect, but I feel more able to deal with, take the shit with the good stuff- I feel more alive than I have done over the past four or five years…. Probably due to a shitty relationship ridden with guilt, but I feel empowered by the relationships I have, the positive, honest (and more often than not gutsy and heartfelt), genuine things that are given and shared in and through those relationships. I don’t want to bang on about it as such, especially because I do not in any way want to exclude everyone who is on the mentoring scheme now who I do not know so well yet, but the past year and the relationships that have started to grow have played a big part in that.
I keep finding books that I want to read, people mention things – websites, people and artists etc that get me on this excitement trip, in which I feel like suddenly I am being given this outlet to live my life in a way that is so much more expansive than I have ever thought it to be. I just started reading this book about godless morality. I saw a guy reading it in the train a while ago on my way home from London and asked for it for Christmas. I guess because I grew up going to church and that defined my ‘morals’, the way I lived my life and saw it, and now I am slowly defining my own life. That sounds so crap….not how I want it to, but, yes, I am beginning to define my own life I guess. I keep having this fractured conversation with people about it…in random conversations that hold so much meaning and insight for me, even if the other person doesn’t realise it.
Something that came out of the past year was about my not having anything to say…or at least feeling that, (yes, I keep coming back to this, I know, but it’s like the plug that was pulled out and now things are falling out from it, trickling into bigger pools and that feels really exciting… and although it sounds so grand – what do I believe and why the hell do I believe it…most of the time because I have been told that’s how it is, or how it should be and now I am waking up I am more able to think these things through for myself. I realise that maybe this all sounds so abstract, but I think it is something that will become more clear, hopefully, and articulate itself better over time.
Why is it that I get into this kind of excitement trip late at night, when there is so much I want to get out, but there’s always that consciousness of needing to also get some sleep at some point, so I have time for it again tomorrow? Anyway, I feel excited, and I guess more so because I am starting the year feeling alive and excited.
I might actually break this up into more than one post, otherwise it will end up consuming the entire bloody page of the blog…so I will post the rest of my wandering thoughts as comment to this I think.
posted by Katherine at 12:30 am
7 Comments:
Madeleine, I read your comment asking more about this course I was on and I will expand on this if not shortly, then certainly in the next week or so- it seems to fit in with where I am up to. That’s another thing- it was a work thing, it was a course recommended to me and I went on it because, well why not- it’s a couple of days out the office, I feel like a sponge and ready to question things and soak up information…but it seems to feed in to exactly where I am up to on a more personal level too- being confident in what I think and believe, being confident in myself….and in turn, questioning all those things that have I have been drip fed with for years and having the confidence to define what I think and believe, not just repeating what someone else has said and accepting it as my own and then projecting it( regurgitating it) as my own. Anyway, more to follow another day..
Franko, (well to everyone really) I know one thing that came up in my second one to one was about taking time out- travelling, applying for a residency…. And I was speaking to Shabs about it at Wysing and no doubt I have mentioned it on the blog before too… and I said this to Donna when I saw her at Kettle’s Yard too…..I know it’s what I need to do. I haven’t made any work as such since August at Wysing…I potter about and I feel excited playing with images and writing here, and that is an integral part of my practice, I need that too. Maybe it is about taking myself seriously as an artist- this was what was said at Wysing when we sat in the living room on the Sunday afternoon- at the time it did hit me- am I actually, really taking myself, my practice seriously?? As time passes it’s easy to convince myself I am…and to a certain extent I am. I give it time and attention and it is really important to me- having relied on ‘religion’ or a god to give my life some sense of purpose for so long, art has taken over that, in that art is what gets me out of bed, knowing that I have it, that I believe in it more than anything- as something valuable in my life, precious, but also just for me, rather than because it is right or wrong or expected or this is what everyone does with their lives. However, if I am honest, ( and I am sure I might just regret writing this here, because in writing it it becomes definite and people can remind me of it…) maybe I only take it seriously with my comfort zone. Do I take it seriously enough to leave my comfort zone and try to make it what I hope for it. I am thinking more specifically of getting out of my current situation- working full time, living with my parents- generally it’s about not really, genuinely having enough time or space to give it what I want or what it deserves. I guess what I am trying to get at is that my current situation is comfortable- I really enjoy my job, and I rely on that structure as a way of feeling motivated, (it sounds fucking ridiculous, but without the structure of my job I get a bit lost.. I don’t feel so motivated with that time limit on myself, so even though I have more time to do my work, I don’t feel so able to get on with it). I kind of like living here- I used to fight like cat and dog with my parents, but I laugh a lot with them, I talk to them and yes, at times it’s bloody frustrating because I want to be independent, but it’s good. But and this is a big BUT… where am I heading with my work…how long to I justify my own excuses about not taking my art seriously? How long do I put off changing this in order to move it forward, to make it what I really, really want. I know that I have to find a situation that is right, and maybe that is a part of it, (or am I just making yet another excuse for not applying for this or that opportunity/residency etc?)
Ok, so lots of rhetorical questions…maybe all I am doing is just voicing this out loud, in a round about kind of way so you (all of you) in order to somehow ask for help…that doesn’t sound right….. do you know what I mean about telling someone else, so in that way you can’t backtrack on yourself, and pretend you didn’t ever think it…like if you tell someone you’re going to stop smoking and then you don’t they do question why the hell you are stood outside in the rain still puffing away- they remind you of what you said and that kicks you up the arse and your conscious reminds you of exactly what you said and why you said that to yourself, and them, in the first place.
This is longer than I thought it would be…I will be done soon I promise! I have a date for my driving test!!!! I won’t let on about the exact date, but it’s within the next two months. I don’t think I’m going to be able to afford a car for a while, but this thought in itself- the idea of more independence is incredibly exciting. I need space, or spaces in which to make work- spaces that hold something exciting and they’re already hold the work before I even get there…and the thought of being able to go out on my own in a car and find them…. Work I have made in the past I have had to rely on someone else to get me there….running around in the forest half an hour from where I live and getting muddy and having a boot full of stuff to play around with- tripod, tons of white bed sheets, wellies etc- to have the possibility to do this on my own….watch this space…well, about getting the licence rather than actually having a car, but I guess it’s one thing to aim for…
Right, I have gone on long enough. I will be back soon though…I have a couple of images to upload…no, don’t worry I won’t be writing waffling essays every night…tempting, as I feel full of stuff to say, just stuff to get out, share with you.
I hope you are all well and you got the chance to relax and be away from paid work for at least a couple of days. How is everyone? Looking forward to catching up with everyone soon.
With love, Katherine.
Hi Katherine,
I like your waffling! It makes a lot of sense and i appreciate your honesty and openess, I also admire you for articulating your feelings so clearly.
I like what you said about defining yourself, stand back world, here you come!
xxxx
Katherine
I agree with Rachel's comment.. i had a few thoughts as I read your post too. I think that you are not necessarily making 'excuses' for not applying for residencies or opportunities. I think that when the right one comes along you will find there are no excuses. It sounds as though you are immersing yourself in all the right information, and the right questioning, seeking headspace for you, to know that opportunity when it comes along. I think it will speak to you and cut through the doubt.
Conversly I could argue with myself that maybe one needs to try everything and be working and making on your practice all the time to allow the opportunities a pathway to your life. But I think good research and thinking is a realistic way of doing this, as it takes a lot physically and mentally to make the work that does justice to your idea or impulse. Not to mention the time factor on this when at present you need to be working full time. A residency is a big time commitment, even the experience at Wysing showed this. Its not just the time physically away but making some framework to use the time, propsals etc. Even if the plan goes out the window when you get there I think its important to have it. And after, well I feel i am still digesting what it all meant. So i think its got to be an opportunity that really feels instinctively that it will 'fit' you and allow you to be about what you need to be about at any given time.
This makes me think about my own experience of the group. The brief spoke to me and it felt instinctively right, I had a good gut feeling about it and it felf good to have this affirmed by being chosen to participate. It said exactly what i needed it to say at that given time. In the event it has been a more interesting journey than I'd expected, far more nebulous and much more about the culture of support to allow one to think in a particular way than the regular tangible results I was expecting of myself. I hope my ideas will take a more solid form in the future, at the moment I feel like I recognise more and more the things and ideas that make up my voice. at least thats what i'm trying to tell myself. maddie x
Happy 2007 by the way!
Hi,
Happy New Year. I always love to read your comments , as I empathise so much with it.
When I used to go home to wales, I used to feel the need to get in the car and drive anywhere just to clear my head. The sense of freedom and clarity you can get from just getting in a car . I think a lot of it is to do with gaining control and to be in control of your own decisions. I am trying to control my wayward life at the moment.
I feel so much more positive about 2007. I have quit my course as I really wasn't doing it for the right reasons. It was stifling my work and putting it second place.
It was really interseting what you said about taking your own practice seriously. It is so simple and right. I will carry that thought around with me.
Love for 2007,
Ninax
Hi Guys
I am at the other end of the room with this one about residencies. I am starting one next week for 3 months here in Cornwall. I wasn't gong to apply as I have had a year of rejections, I didn't want to get one from collegues down here. For one reason or another, I got choosen. To say I am apprehensive is an understatement. I don't have what I would call a studio practice, but I have been given a contract to sign to say I will deliver! Bizarre.
Katherine, my time workig on a project is pushing around images, cutting up newspapers and making to much coffee. I think unless your work is based within a process, you are dealing with a state of mind, without a visceral object to anchor yourslef to. Its a pain in the arse. You can avoid confronting yourself, and it needs that little bit more to get motivated. I am talking from my own persepctive. You are not alone!!
Here's to 2007!!
It would be good to hook with everyone soon.
Steven
Sorry about the bad spelling above!!
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