00:47 Sunday 25 February 2007

Dear All

My apologies for not being in Birmingham today. I was still deciding late on Saturday night whether to be there or not, but decided not to. It was not that I didn’t want to be there, I did. However, I also want a bit of time to get on with some work…time to process some thoughts and actually give some time to work out what I think, if that makes sense. I feel like the nature of my job prevents me from having much time in the week to give any time to sit down and write about what I am thinking, which I knw is a helpful process in my working out where I am up to.

I haven’t been doing very much writing recently, for myself, just making notes, working through ideas, but also on the blog…feeling tired, a bit flat etc, working lots, but I have had a good weekend and it feels good to have been able to clarify things in my own head.

Lucille I completely understand what you mean about having regular paid employment. At the moment I think I need the structure of my job – to be able to get up in the morning at a an hour when I feel like I haven’t lost half my morning, so that I am aware of how precious my own time is….but it’s more than that I think. I get a certain sense of value or self worth out of my job…or feeling like I am relied upon, even if this is only my perception of it….it feeds my need to be busy or productive all the time, and I do not know where this need comes from or why I have set this meaning within my life, because often it doesn’t lead to productivity, at least in my own time. I also think that what you have said about your own approach to work makes a hell of a lot of sense, and I agree with you. Part of me knows that I would be happy to be cutting and sticking images together and making sense of them if only I could do this, say, every other day for twenty minutes or half an hour….. but reminding myself of this regularly, reminding myself that my practice is not about churning out work every month, or constantly having a project or a set piece on the go is just not how my practice operates….

I have been writing my Arts Council report over the past couple of weeks, which has been incredibly valuable for me, just to look back at the past year and think about what has been important and helpful and positive about the mentoring scheme. One thing, probably more important than anything else was being able to grasp an idea of what my practice is, which I didn’t do on my own – people have said things that kind of came as a bit of a revelation to me, despite it maybe being prominent in how I approach my own work.

I too make work I am most excited by when I take the pressure off…I guess it is reminding myself of this and trying to actually take the pressure off that is important. I felt like that about Wysing….I took the pressure off, I was there to be there, not produce something, and actually what I did leave with was, amongst other things, a piece of work that I feel very strongly about.

I think I, or I like to think I do make one or two pieces a year that I do feel strongly about, that I feel excited by and question me and surprise me, and instead of desperately trying to squeeze more out of myself it is valuing that nurturing in between those pieces of work that I need to recognise and give time to. The berating and punishing oneself isn’t so much conscious, but, well I don’t know, I guess we all do it. Anyway, thank you for what you wrote… I thin sometimes we can know something, or be vaguely aware of something, but it is only when someone else eloquently approaches us with their words that we take it in, we see it for ourselves clearly and can then process it. So, thank you.

I went to see Donna at Wysing on Friday, to chat about applying for a studio. I have never really had a studio, only as a student when I was on my BA course, and after about two years, I decided not to use it…..although I guess it wasn’t a studio, it was a shared space, with more often than not at least three or four other people all trying to make their work. Ever since then I have never given serious thought to having a studio. In fact I have readily dismissed the idea, thinking that I am not a studio based artist, nor do I make work in a studio. When I saw the advert in artist’s newsletter I guess I dismissed that too to a certain extent. However, over the past couple of weeks I have given it a lot of thought, maybe because whilst writing this evaluation for the arts council I was writing about having identified what I need and want as an artist…. I want some time and space for my work, for my practice.

But it isn’t just about time and space, although this is a big part of it. It scares the shit out of me too….having more time and space.

I have been working full time for about three years now, and I do enjoy my job….i really enjoy it. But I know I need to make a change in my life. The longer I leave it, the more difficult it will be to get out of this comfort zone. I think I wrote about this in December or January… about taking time out and needing to do it, but there being something holding me back….

If I am working, then I always have this excuse to myself to ease that berating and guilt, that I don’t have enough time because I have to work to earn money. But now this opportunity has come up to apply for a studio, and it would also mean the opportunity to get myself out of the rut, to drop that excuse, to give myself time and space…and it is so exciting to think about this as a possibility for myself, but it does scare me….(probably even more reason to do it…) the fear of having that time and space and then being creatively constipated, of exposing myself as a fraud, (I know it sounds ridiculous)…it would be a big change in my life, which is exactly what makes it exciting and scary..

Anyway, to cut this a little shorter, (too late!), I am going to apply. I think I would be a fool not too, when my gut instincts are all yelling at me to apply. And as I was saying it isn’t just about needing this change, about needing time and space, it is about what you’ve said Jon…. The benefits of being around other creative people, and the support that offers.

It’s about being less isolated…which came up in my first one to one with Franko. It’s about making that step I have been talking about for about six months, of stepping outside of my comfort zone of using my current situation as an excuse, and being more independent…..(and it means I have also had to think about getting a car….it’s been three or four weeks since I last drove at all)…about taking myself seriously, trusting my gut instincts, believing in myself, in my practice, despite sometimes feeling like I don’t…

Rachel, I re-read your essay on Silence this weekend, (that you posted on the blog last October)…

Listening to yourself
To trust yourself utterly is a big responsibility, if you’re wrong you solely bear the weight of the consequences
Listen to yourself and don’t be hesitant or afraid to act

Isn’t change meant to be difficult?

Thank you for posting it on the blog. I don’t think I took it in in the same way as I do now…. I feel quite differently now in comparison to a year ago, six months ago even, and reading it again this weekend it reads differently for me…

I wonder whether I busy myself so I do not have to listen to myself….because it is easier to listen to other people…because it is easier not to bear the weight of the consequences, to sit on the fence, and give up my voice to the majority…or I am silent, hesitant…


So, before I go, it has been a good weekend. A weekend in which an different possibility has opened up in my head, and it feels very exciting.

Lucille, I hope you’re performance went well on Saturday, I was thinking of you… and I would really love to hear about it..how it went, and how you felt whilst doing it….must photograph these roller skates for you this week too.

With love Kat.