lost

Hello

Sorry I have been absent for a while. I feel like I am in a pit at the moment, and I'm having difficulty pulling myself out....getting a level pespective on everything. Oh, how very melodramtic of me!!!

No, seriously, I am feeling a bit lost with everything. My head is telling me to get on with things, get out there, feel excited. But my head isn't engaging with the rest of me. You know when you're on the tube and just as the doors open the tannoy tell syou to mind the gap between the train and the platform. I was with my boyfriend at teh time, and he turned to me and said ' mind the gap between reality and your expectations'. The fact that he said it seems irrelevant, but it has crept into my thoughts over the last couple of weeks. What my head tells me to do and what I actually do are so distanced.

I have become a hermit I think. I had so wanted to be in London this weekend and see some exhibitions, but I didn't. I spent the weekend at home. Not doing anything from the ever so long to do list..... so the pit just feels deeper.

I hope this doesn't sound like abstract drivelling on.... when we were at Wysing I remember speaking to Shabs outside the kitchen door, about getting to where you need to be, moving on, maybe away... and I truly believed what I was saying. But now, now I am not so sure. Do you think it's true that if you don't believe in something you'll fall for anything? I am not sure I know what I want or where I want to be. I am aware of expectations often, but if I am titally honest I don't know where I want to be, or doing what....
i got a rejection for the residency I applied for at bedford Contemporary Art and I felt relieved in a way. If I had been accepted it would mean giving up my job.... stability, comfort- (not so much physical, but mental),....but now...what now?

In my last one to one we spoke about just getting away for a while, maybe travelling or living abroad. My immediate reaction was no way, but within hours it seemed to make sense....and now.....well, I still kid myself it is a realistic opton, but I oush it into the future, so it only exists as a vague possibility. And maybe it's not right for the moment, but how on earth do I know if I am not just outting everything off until tomorrow, only for tomorrow never to come.


Shit, this does all sound very dull. I wanted to write something, show my face as such. But actually I have little to say of interest.

I felt really angry yesterday and chucked things about my room like a child having a tantrum. Frustration that there is such a vast gap between reality and life in my head. and if I could scream at teh top of my voice, and angry heavy scream, and it exist as that on this blog I would....but instead here is this lousy post.....AArrrgggghhhh!!!!!!!!!

But I did have some things to say in response to a couple of other posts.... so I will do and find them I think.

With much love to you all, you are all in my thoughts, despite my being lost in a pit.
Katherine.